He's going to fall asleep tonight convincing himself that he hates me and doesn't care. I'm going to fall asleep feeling alone and exhausted due to misery. I feel like I'm always waiting. Everything was so good. I wish he could try harder. I wish his family didn't always get in the way. I wish for too much. Wish he could call saying that he doesn't care about any of it as long as we're together. This is what happens when you fall in love with a scientist instead of a romantic. Give me someone that will fight for me instead of push me away.

How does it always end up being me? My fault? Can someone PLEASE for once tell him he's wrong? Have his mother yell at him for treating me like crap? Please?

Walk into aunt's house and first thing uncle says is, "You've gained weight since living at home."

I proceeded to drink all night. And play with the cute 2 year old that's the daughter of one of Svetlana's friends.

New goal: lose 10 pounds.

I love family.

Rawr. I'm the one that guilts him. Makes jokes that aren't taken as jokes. I'm not allowed to ever be annoyed or bothered. Only him. Yet he guilts me. Expects me to fix things. Expects me to abide by his moods and rules and intentions.
Now I get to sit through a dinner with family while he gets to go do "something" with Ethan and the rest of them. Completely "forgetting" about today and going to be all cheery later, getting annoyed about why I'm annoyed. "Forgetting" what a pain the ass he can be.
I'm a tired kid.

A month in Northbrook!
I can't seem to fully enjoy this freedom because I have grades looming over me. Grades and financial paperwork to deal with. I think that before the break begins I should try to ditch my attitude from Thanksgiving and be happy and jolly like the holiday season tells me to be. I can do this.

It's very annoying to have the restriction of having to ask my parents if I can go out. Very, very frustrating to adjust from going wherever I want to being cooped up in the house when I want to leave.

It's going to be interesting to see people from high school again, that's for sure. But part of me is excited. I definitely know that I have changed. The way I think, talk, dress, act. This should be fun. I had Robin come over on Sunday and we hung out for a while. Luckily she lives in Skokie and is one of my closest friends from school and we could in theory see each other all the time like we do at school. I'm going to miss Wes for sure. =( I had lunch with Lauren today at Noodles and Company and it was nice. Nice. We talked a LOT, but I was definitely keeping myself censored quite a bit. She is REALLY against drinking and... yeah. I just didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't agree with her.

But anyways, yeah. I'm starting to miss the loud, obnoxious, and crazy fun I have in college. But I am going to make this winter break work for me here. There's no reason why it can't still be awesome. Right? I just think that the way I left GBN was very "I NEED TO LEAVE. TOO MANY POORLY ENDED RELATIONSHIPS." and that's allowed me to go to college with the attitude where I wanted to be free to explore and find myself. And I have for the most part found ME. But this really severs a lot of ties with some people from GBN. I didn't work at keeping old relationships, because I'll put in effort, but when I don't feel any effort on the other person's part, I stop. There's no point in investing yourself if the other person doesn't care enough to. I've learned that. So in conclusion, things are weird at home. But definitely have chances for improvement?

I wish I was more confident about this.

When visiting GBN, it was not surprising to find out that Scholz is still the only teacher that can make me cry. The only one with an unwavering faith in me and the person that I can become. It was nice to see that I have some worth.

It's over. The matter was blown out of proportion and nasty and it ended nasty. On some level I am a horrible human being, but I controlled myself for as long as I could. Overall, from all sides and perspectives of it, the main thing learned is that the truth always hurts. And now it's over.